After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.

The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.