If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.