Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

He always had a chip on his shoulder that he was ready to use to kindle an argument.