Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

To a newspaperman, a human being is an item with skin wrapped around it.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.