Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.