I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.