Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.

After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.