There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.

Three million frogs' legs are served in Paris - daily. Nobody knows what became of the rest of the frogs.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

My agent gets 10 percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches.

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.