The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.