An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.