My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.

Television is a triumph of equipment over people.

English coffee tastes like water that has been squeezed out of a wet sleeve.

On ships they call them barnacles; in business they attach themselves to desks and are called vice presidents.

Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.