Hollywood is a great place if you're an orange.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.

All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.