The world is a grindstone and life is your nose

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as though the strings are still in the cat.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

The S.S. Sierra was a ten-thousand-ton vessel. Today, lifeboats bigger than the Sierra are found on the Queen Mary and other luxury liners.

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.