A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.

I was just working in the shop and all of a sudden something just triggered in me, and I started shaking. And then I walked back into the house and my wife asked, 'What's the matter?' And I said, 'I don't feel good.' And tears, uncontrollable tears, was coming out of my eyes and she says, 'What's the matter?' And I told her. I said, 'I just thought about that execution that I did two days ago, and everybody else's that I was involved in.' And what it was, something triggered within, and it just, everybody - all of these executions all sprung forward.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.