A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

The average vice-president is a form of executive fungus that attaches itself to a desk. On a boat this growth would be called a barnacle.

After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirins.

It was once rumored that fledgling executives walked around their offices backwards so they wouldn't have to face an issue.

Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.