Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

We can choose our family. We can't choose our relatives.

If you aim to be big, you will be big. And that's not a pun about my size.

When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments - except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster - whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

My girlfriend knows that if I'm acting weird at home to go to one of my shows to see what's on my mind.

I bought a Hummer before I bought a house, and then I bought a house. Every year, everything doubled. The work was doubling. The money was doubling. The popularity was doubling.

When you're a comedian, the Holy Grail is an hour long HBO special.