Walgreens, Rite Aid, CVS and Wal-Mart have all figured out the evolution of life and they grabbed all the products that are necessary for a life. And they stuck them in one aisle and they put them in order according to how you mess up... First thing you're going to see: condoms. Next to that: lubricant. Next to that: pregnancy test. Next to that: Pampers. Next to that: formula. And at the end of the aisle they sell beer.

I'm not selling out, denying who I am or where I've come from, not at all. I acknowledge that.

I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen.

I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino. What's the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.

I'm not fat. It's just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

Best advice, bro: Think big. Don't think small. If you think small, then you're going to stay small. Think (about) the broad scope.