If i wouldn't have done comedy, I would have been a teacher. I was really good when I took an exploratory teaching class in high school, at getting kids' attention, and delivering lesson plans. Though my principal even told me that this was what I was meant to do. And that being a big-mouth comedian was a waste of time.

My material never comes out verbatim every time. I always tweak in a line, or tweak away a line, gain a couple tags or lose a couple tags. The timing is always off.

When you go to Hawaii, it's all about "Aloha." It means hello, goodbye and I love you.

When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls, so we finish at the same time.

You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They're just blown up Mexicans!

People understand when I talk about my son not listening, or issues at home or his real dad coming back into the picture, or even stories about family members not seeing eye to eye with what you're doing.

Sometimes [high school speech team] was funny, other times it was just talking, but it gave me the confidence to speak in front of people after doing that for a whole year.