Some of us have a relentless urge to attempt what we can never be good at and neglect our true calling.
Garrison KeillorWe thank you [the soldiers recently returned from the middle east] for your service.
Garrison KeillorThe reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment; you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You want to be the first to come up with the idea. You don't want to wait until you trip and fall off the stage.
Garrison KeillorIn California virtually everyone has had their teeth whitened. If they all smiled at once, they would give us a headache.
Garrison KeillorThe audience is invisible and that's good. Somewhere my voice is drifting through a swine barn and the sound of it seems to perk up the sows' appetite. Or a lady is listening on headphones as she jogs along a beach, running to my cadence. Or a dog sits in front of the radio, head cocked, and the sibilants excite him in some mysterious way. A dog's humorist, that's me.
Garrison Keillor