Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.