Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the quarter from behind the ear gag. He would never put the time in.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.

Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.