Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he's a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It's remarkable.