Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.

When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.

Leisure: A fancy word for people who don't want to admit they're bored.

He has a brain like Einstein's - dead since 1955

Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Pop-pops have only so many horsey rides in them.

It's time to diet and exercise when you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time - but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.

I went to school with a kid who was so smart, the only time he got an answer wrong, they had to go back and change the question.