A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.