None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

Say Goodnight Gracie.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.