I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

At my age flowers scare me.