I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.