I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

Young. Old. Just Words.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.