I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.