I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

At my age flowers scare me.

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.