People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.