People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.