People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.