People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.