I get a standing ovation just standing

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.

I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.