I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.