I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.