Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.