Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.