I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.