I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.