Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.