Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.