If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.