By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.