People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.