I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.