I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.