Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.