In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.