Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.