Young. Old. Just Words.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left