Young. Old. Just Words.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.