I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

Joy is obtaining a big, loving, caring shut-knit household in yet another town.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.