I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left