From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

How can I die? I'm booked.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.