From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.