You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.