You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

How can I die? I'm booked.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.