You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Say Goodnight Gracie.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.