You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

At my age flowers scare me.

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.