Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.