I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

Say Goodnight Gracie.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman ... or a bad woman.