I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

How can I die? I'm booked.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.