My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine; I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.

Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.