I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Young. Old. Just Words.

Sex is the Universal Language in which nobody speaks; they don't have to.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.