I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

Everyday happiness means you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.