I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.