If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

A pear is a failed apple.

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.