If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective.

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.