Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach.

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.