I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.